What happens in a coaching session?

What exactly happens during a coaching session?

The purpose of a coaching session is to examine a problematic aspect of your life, explore your thoughts, and use that information to create what you want. 

At The Life Coach School, where I trained, we used a framework called the “model.” The model is a simple tool to use in any situation to help break complex problems into simple, manageable parts. In the model, circumstances are neutral. When we have a thought about a circumstance, we create a feeling. It is this feeling that drives our actions, which then, in turn, produces our results. 

How do we use the model framework during a coaching session? 

Step 1: Identify the neutral circumstance.

First, we identify the neutral circumstance.  All circumstances are neutral; they are not good or bad until we assign a thought to them. The neutral circumstance could be the exact words someone says or their actions. Neutral circumstances are the facts of the situation.  

Step 2: Identify the thought. 

Next, we identify why this is a problem. What are you making this neutral circumstance mean? While you may have many thoughts about the circumstance, for the purpose of the model framework, we pick just one of those thoughts. It does not matter which thought you pick.  

Step 3: Identify the feeling.

Once you have identified the thought, we explore how that thought makes you feel. We keep this very simple and straightforward. We pick a one-word feeling that comes to mind when you think this thought. 

Step 4: Identify your actions.

Once you identify your feeling, we explore how that feeling creates your actions. When you have this feeling, how do you act? How do you show up for others and yourself? What things do you avoid or not do when you feel that way? 

Step 5: Identify the result

We look to see what exactly the actions and the results these actions are creating in your life. All your actions are creating results in your life. This is where the magic begins! 

Once you have your model, you can choose to keep, abandon, or create a new model. Not all models are problematic. Sometimes you will look at your model and decide that you like your thoughts about it, even if it creates a negative feeling. For example, if someone I loved died, I would choose to think that I really miss them and feel sadness. I would want to cry and be upset. 

Other times, just seeing your model is enough to make you realize that it is not working for you and then you can let it go. This usually works with newer problems and thoughts to which you are not really attached.

Finally, sometimes you will decide to create a new, intentional model. This is where a coach is key.  . A coach can help you realize your model is optional and your thoughts are not facts. They can help you try on different thoughts to find one that is believable and creates the results you want. If this is a thought you have been having most of your life,  this will take some time. 

How do you decide if you want to keep your original model? It’s simple. Is the thought creating the result that you want? Are you showing up as the person you want to be when you think that thought? If you are, great! Your work is done. But if you are not, if that thought has you showing up in a way that goes against your core values, then you might want to consider different options. 

Let’s look at an example:

You are talking to your mother and she complains she doesn’t see the grandkids enough. She says she wishes she could see the grandkids more often. You roll your eyes and sigh. Here she is, giving you another guilt trip! She never appreciates how hard you work. She thinks you have all this time in the world. She doesn’t remember what it was like to take the kids to all their activities on the weekend. She never had to balance work and kids. You wish that she would just respect you and your choices. 

The model could look something like this:

Circumstance: My mother said it would be nice if she could see the grandkids more often.

Thought: She doesn’t respect my choices

Feeling: Anger 

Actions: Get mad, act passive-aggressive when you see her with the kids, complain about her to your partner and friends, call her less, justify why you don’t make plans with her, second guess your  choices, 

Result: You don't respect your mother and you don’t respect your choices.

When you think that your mother does not respect your choices, your result is that you don’t respect your choices or respect her requests. You create a situation of disrespect. You think that you are mad because your mother said that she wants to see you and the grandkids more often. You think the thought, she doesn’t respect your choices is a fact. But, it is just a thought you created. And that is the best news in the world because if it is just a thought you created, you can choose whether or not you want to continue to think that thought 

Your mother may or may not respect your choices. The truth is that you may never really know and it doesn’t matter. It would be great if you could change your mother into who you would like her to be. I am sure she would like to change you into who she wants you to be as well. But the freedom and the power of coaching come when you can look at your model and decide what you want to think on purpose. 

Try using the model and see how it might work. First, write down everything about your situation. Then use the steps above to create your model. 

I have found that when I have an issue I am really working on, I have a hard time separating my thoughts from the facts. Once I have a model, it can be hard to find a new thought. A coach will help you go through the model and simplify this process.

Sign up for a free coaching session and see how I can help you use the model to create the life you have been craving.