Other people can't make you feel bad

“You hurt my feelings.” 

“You made me feel sad.”

These thoughts have been ingrained in us since we were little. We think that other people make us feel a certain way. The thing is, other people don’t make you feel a certain way. You make yourself feel a particular emotion because of your thoughts. This concept I was taught at the Life Coach School has become one of the most empowering things I have adopted. How does this work?

Neutral Circumstances

There are neutral circumstances that occur. Your kid is crying and stomping their feet, aka a temper tantrum. Your spouse or significant other is not doing the dishes. These are all neutral until we have a thought about them. You might think, “My kids are so spoiled. I can’t believe he is having a tantrum when I have given him all these things for Christmas.” That thought might lead you to feel angry or resentful. Other folks might think, “My kid is so overwhelmed by the holidays. Of course, he is expressing himself in the only way he knows how.” That thought will lead you to feel sympathetic, maybe calm. I am not saying that one thought is better than the other. They are both totally acceptable ways to think. I just want to illustrate that it is not the child making you feel sympathetic or angry. It is your thoughts about the situation.

What if someone is really being a jerk?

There might be a circumstance where you think, “This person is being a real jerk.” This does not mean you need to find a way to think that this person is amazing. If you think this person is a jerk and like your reasons, then keep the thought. Realizing that they are not controlling your feelings and you are in charge of yourself is freeing. It means you can think they are a jerk and be mad. You can think they are a jerk and move on. You can think there may be other reasons why they are being a jerk and feel sympathy. You might even get curious about why you think they are a jerk and change your opinion. Again, there is no right thought here. By showing you all the possibilities, I want you to see that you can decide. There are literally thousands of things you can think. You can stay here, or you can change your mind. You are entirely in control of your thoughts and, ultimately, your feelings.

How to apply this in your life?

I like to use the notice, need, now what framework. First, I notice the thought and recognize it as just a thought. Then I get curious about this thought. What do I need? Is this thought true? Are there ways it might not be true? What am I making this mean? What do I need for me right now? Sometimes what I need is to be angry, sad, or upset. I need to keep this thought, fully feel where I am, and process it. Other times I may need to find a way to let go or move on. The important thing is to get in touch with where you are and what you want. The last stage is now what? What do I want to do now? Do I want to stay here in this feeling for a while, or do I want to try on some other thoughts and see where that gets me? You get to choose.

I am not perfect at this. I am a work in progress. Sometimes things are really clear. I can see and apply this framework. Other times I am completely stuck and turning in circles. That’s when I get help from a friend or a coach. Looking at life in this framework has brought me peace. 

Try this out the next time you blame someone else for your feelings and see if it brings you some relief and empowerment.