Learning from Negative Emotion

We talked about the concept that life is 50:50. Half of the time, we are basking in all the good emotions like love, joy, and happiness. The other half of the time, we experience negative emotions like jealousy, anger, and fear. We also talked about how when we resist these negative emotions, we increase the time spent on negativity. Today I want to discuss what negative emotions can teach us about ourselves. Let’s look at a couple of examples.

Jealousy

Let’s face it. We all feel jealousy. When we experience this emotion, we typically fluctuate between blaming or attacking the other person and then blaming and attacking ourselves for being jealous. When we blame ourselves, we miss the valuable lesson that jealousy is teaching us. Jealousy shows us what we are missing in our lives. It tells us that there is an unmet goal or desire that we have been ignoring. So instead of telling yourself you shouldn’t be jealous or that the other person doesn’t deserve what they have, try asking yourself, “what is jealousy telling me that I need in my life?” Take that golden nugget of knowledge and see what you can create in your life.

Anger

I’m Portuguese and so I have the stereotypical Iberian hot-headed temper. Anger is an emotion that I feel quite often. Before I found coaching, I would get angry, then get angry at myself for being angry, and then feel shame and guilt for not being a better person. What can anger teach us? First, anger can teach us what value and what is important to us. When we get angry at someone for not behaving the way we think they should, we highlight what you value. That does not mean they need or should hold the same values. Anger also shows us the things that we fear. A lot of times we cover up our fear with anger.

Fear

And that brings us to fear. We tell ourselves and our kids that we should be brave and we should stand up to fear. Well, I say we should feel our fear. Sometimes fear is helpful. It can keep us out of danger. Fear can also tell us that we are learning, growing, and stepping out of our comfort zone. Instead of telling us to stop, it might show us a new obstacle we can learn to conquer. The trick is to take an honest look and decide if this fear is real, if we need to stop to avoid danger, or if this fear is a sign that we are trying something new. If it is the latter, instead of telling ourselves we shouldn’t feel fear, allow ourselves to feel afraid. Let it be there. And do that scary thing anyway. The joy you feel when you achieve that goal will far surpass any fear on the way. 

So the next time you experience a negative emotion, first allow yourself to simply feel the emotion. Then, instead of trying to push it away, ask yourself, what is this emotion telling me I need in my life?