Navigating Holiday Conflict

 Conflict can significantly strain our holiday joy as we head into all these family gatherings and together time. They start joyful and fun. Then the conversation turns to more controversial subjects and everything starts to feel like it is falling apart. My mom’s advice is always to let it go. She is probably right, most of the time. If you are like me and can’t always do that, here are some easy tips for navigating holiday season conflicts.

What are you advocating for?

Adam Grant talks about framing arguments based on what you are advocating for instead of what you are advocating against. Often, the things we are advocating for are very similar. We differ in how we think we can achieve this. Let’s look at political candidates as an example. They can be very different in their policies and ideas. But in the most basic sense, we all want to create a good life for ourselves and our loved ones. This can also be applied to family drama. Let’s say you have a hypercritical mother or mother-in-law. She comments on how you should raise your kids. It can be helpful to ask yourself what it is that you both really want. It might be that you both want the kids to live their best life. Framing it in this context opens up some space for honest and compassionate discussion. Who doesn’t want to talk about how to improve our kids' lives? So next time you find yourself in a heated debate, take a step back and ask, what are we both advocating for?

Get curious

You have established what you are both advocating for, and the other person’s views still don’t make sense. Take a step back and try to understand what the other person is saying or needs. My demeanor changes when my task shifts from changing their mind to understanding what they are saying. You can ask questions like:

“Maybe you are right. Tell me more.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Why do you believe that?”

“What is your hope or goal?”

You might disagree with the other person, but at least you can understand them better. 

Make sh*t up

This isn’t cheating. We all make sh*t up. We think we know the intention behind other people’s words. The truth is half of the time, we are wrong. We reflect onto others what we are thinking about ourselves. Let’s go back to that hypercritical mother or mother-in-law. You might think she doesn’t think you are a good mom. That might be true. However, that thought will lead you to believe that she is not good enough and she should treat you better. I don’t find that line of thinking helpful to my well-being. 

In these situations, what else might be true? Maybe she's hypercritical and holds herself up to high standards. If that's true, you can start to feel compassion for her. It must be exhausting to be critical. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel angry, sad, or disappointed by her comments. Feel your feelings, and then use this tool to move on. 

Let it go

“What evidence would change your mind? If the answer is nothing, there is no point continuing the debate.”

~ Adam Grant

I recommend trying this after the above steps. This is the last ditch effort before letting it go. It is only possible to continue a conversation with someone if they are open to the discussion. This can be used both in a debate and with critical family members. Let’s visit the stereotypical critical mother or mother-in-law one last time. You could try saying, “No, I don’t think I need to be tougher on my kids. Is there anything that would sway your opinion?” If the answer is no, then she is already decided. Your work is not to change her mind. Your job is to manage your thoughts about her disagreeing with you. We will talk much more about that in later posts.

If tensions rise at the next family get-together, try these steps.

• Identify the basic common thing everyone is advocating for.
• Get curious about the other person’s opinion.
• Make shi*t up. 
• When nothing will change their mind, let it go.