Conflict and forgiveness during the holidays

“If the pain was deep, you will have to let it go many times.” 

~ Yung Pueblo

Not every holiday is filled with picture-perfect family gatherings where everyone is joyous and loving. Sometimes there are real issues, tragedies, and conflicts. When we have these around the holidays, we may feel like we just need to get over it already. We put undue pressure on ourselves to move past the hurt to get to the idyllic version of the holiday that has been drilled into our minds. I am all for moving past things to get to a sense of peace. However, this process takes time. Here are a couple of strategies to use if you are struggling with someone this holiday season. 

Decide if you are ready to move on.

Are you really ready to move on or forgive? Sometimes we tell ourselves that we are because a “good” person forgives others. But as I said above, when we are not ready, we make the process longer and more painful. It’s like pushing a beach ball underwater. You can hold it there for a time, but it erupts and shoots up to the sky when you let go. It is ok if you are not ready to move on. It is always best to be honest with yourself. 

What do you want this to look like?

What is hard when there are issues, conflicts, and tragedies is that things change. We are creatures of habit and we want things to stay the same. Whether you are defining boundaries in a relationship, working through the loss of a loved one, or dealing with another painful issue, start to let your mind play around with different versions of what this new reality may look like. What little steps can you take to bring this version closer to reality? How are you blocking this new reality? This doesn’t mean you have to make any changes. Right now, you are just playing around with the idea and deciding if you want to try some new things. Think of it like trying on clothes in a dressing room. If you like it, you keep it. You can always return it to the store if it turns out not to be a great fit.

Allow yourself the space to grieve the past.

We are often so focused on the new reality we want to create that we forget to grieve the past. After you have decided that you want to move on and started to take steps to define and create your new reality, make sure you set aside time to mourn what has passed. It could be a relationship that has ended. It may be a new tradition. Whatever it is, let yourself feel whatever emotion comes up for you.

Like anything we have discussed this month, transformations like this don’t happen overnight. It is ok that it takes you many times.