Failure: It's all just made up anyway
Nov 17, 2021
I have spent a lot of time in the past couple of months thinking about failure. I am launching a new website and coaching business, and my mind keeps asking, what if you fail? Most of the dialogue around failure tends to focus on being ok and keeping going in the face of failure. But what if failure is just made up? In this post, I want to share three little-known truths that I discovered about failure and provide you with a step-wise approach to learning and growing (aka how to reframe failure).
Three little known truths about failure
1. It's all made up.
No, really it is. Who decides what is successful and what is failure? I bet if I asked each of you, you would have a different version of a successful life and a “failed” life. Now, I know you want to give me examples of actual failures. You might tell me that what about a test. Well, sure, there is a grade. But for one student, who is struggling, a B+ is a great success. For an honor roll student, a B+ is a failure. So then what about an F. That clearly stands for failure. Well maybe. Maybe you didn’t understand the questions. Perhaps you didn’t study. Is it really a failure if you didn’t even study? Is it really a success if you didn’t study and got an A+? The answer is it depends. It depends on what you make up. What story are you telling yourself?
2. The opposite of success is not failure.
So if it is all made up, then we don’t have to make the opposite of success mean failure. Say your goal is to create a schedule and stick to it. You would probably define success as doing everything on your schedule. Most people would then define failure as not doing the tasks on your schedule. But what if you define failure as not learning why your plan worked or didn’t work. Then instead of throwing your hands up in the air and saying I failed, you would review your day and look at why you did not stick to your schedule. My favorite definition of failure is not learning something new. This way, no matter what happens, I still keep moving forward with my goals. It is just a more empowering thought for me.
3. It’s all data.
Really. It is all just data points. And if it is just data points then we get to decide how to interpret them. So most people take “failures” to mean that something is wrong with them or that something is impossible. We use failure as a tool to beat ourselves up. A friend and colleague of mine always says, “that is useful information,” no matter the project’s outcome. So instead of thinking of things as a failure, appreciate the information you have just gathered and use that to move forward.
So, now that we know failure is just a made-up concept in our minds, how can we use our experiences to create the life we want. Here is my stepwise approach to learning and growing (aka how to frame failure).
1. Define success for yourself.
You can’t know if you are headed in the right direction if you don’t know where you are going. This is the part we often overlook or outsource to others. Everyone is going to have an idea about what you should do and how you should do it. But trust me, this becomes so much easier and meaningful if you decide this for yourself. Now, this doesn’t mean that you can’t listen to other people’s ideas and suggestions. It just means that in the end, you get to choose.
2. Define failure.
I know. It is just made-up. But if your mind is going to go there anyway, tell it what to think. As I said earlier, I like to define failure as not learning something new. Another way I define failure is not having fun. And for me, there are many types of fun. There is joyful and carefree fun. But there is also tough fun that comes with tackling something really challenging. If I can enjoy the process instead of fixating on the outcome, well, that can be really fun.
3. Apply honest and compassionate thinking to analyze the information.
Most people would call this critical thinking. But I find when I use that phrase, I become too judgy. I prefer honest and compassionate thinking. This means you evaluate honestly, don’t lie to yourself. Was your goal or success unrealistic for the time period (meaning you guessed wrong)? Did you really put in 100% effort? Why or why not? And then don’t forget to bring in the compassion. This is not a tool to beat yourself up. It’s ok if you only put in 80% effort or less? Maybe this wasn’t a very kind goal (like scheduling 20 things to do in 1 hour)? The idea is to find out why so that you can make a kinder and more compassionate goal the next time.
4. Repeat based on this new information.
And now you take all this new information back to step 1 and revise or create a new version of success.