“I have already settled it for myself so flattery and criticism go down the same drain and I am quite free.”

~Georgia O’Keefe

I was knee-deep in Christmas cookie baking on 12/22, so I didn’t get the email to you all. Sorry about that. Here is your second email today to make up for it!

I am a struggling people pleaser. It drives me absolutely bonkers when I think people are mad and upset with me. I have spent a better part of my life tying my self-worth to the opinions of others. I would love to say that through coaching this is all behind me. But I can’t. I have gotten much better at defining who I am, what I want, and how I act based on what is true to me. I am a work in progress and sometimes it is easier for me than others. Holidays for sure, tend to bring out my people-pleasing tendencies. If you can relate, here are some tips that have worked for me

What feeling are you trying to get from others?

When your people-pleasing start to kick in, ask yourself, what are you trying to get from others? Usually, it’s a sense of approval or worth. Nothing has gone wrong with you. Of course, you want to feel these things. These are normal human emotions. You don’t need to convince yourself that you don't need these things. Right now, just notice that your mind is craving this feeling.

Can you create this feeling for yourself?

The approval, sense of worth, or whatever feeling you noticed, can you find a way to create that for yourself? This is the part that takes a lot of practice. Do you need your sister to tell you that you did a good job with Christmas dinner? Maybe. It is nice when people appreciate the work you do. But can you look at what you have created and praise yourself? “Wow, I really knocked it out of the park this year.” Or “I create this space for everyone to celebrate together.” Do this for yourself.

It’s not about you.

Finally, it helps me to remember that while you are obsessing about what you are doing, other people are obsessing about themselves. So when they don’t appreciate you or give you the emotion you seek, it actually has nothing to do with you. They are simply in their minds trying to get the feeling that they are craving. 

And finally, to paraphrase Georgia O’Keefe, once you have decided what you think about yourself, it doesn’t matter if someone else loves it or hates it. You have already decided.